Drama for Your Mama

Today was an emotional train wreck. And thankfully, it wasn't mine.

My first deep discussion was early this morning with a first year teacher. We discussed how our whiteness was received on our campus and generally how the staff treated us. We both agreed that the Latino teachers thrive on this campus and bond together, while white teachers are ostracized and have trouble controlling the kids. Strong racial tensions exist and that's why there are few white teachers at the school, and probably one of the reasons both of us are leaving.

Then in first period, one of my female students was reading something other than what she should have been reading/writing and I approached her with a stern look and asked her why she found it necessary to read something not pertinent to her assignment, especially when she barely started and it was due in twenty minutes. She just looked at me and didn't speak. So, I took her out in the hallway and asked her what was going on-- that she is a bright girl, but that she's not performing how I expect her to perform (she's failing... and not just my class). She wouldn't respond. It just so happened that the material that I caught her with was a study guide for her Boy Scouts camping trip. . . . Yeah. So, I tried to give her some space so that she could talk, but she still clammed up and just had this painful look in her eyes. It nearly killed me. I may be assuming, but I think she's having issues with her sexual identity and isn't sure how to cope with it or all the things that go with it. So, with her silence, I let her get back to work and began to think about how to find some help for her.

Then, in second period, one of my male students walked into the classroom with an unusual frown and vacant look on his face. I asked him what was wrong and he said that it didn't matter, that no one could help him. So, I took him out into the hall and asked him what was happening. Unlike the girl before him, words began to gush out of his mouth. He said that two girls were in love with him and that they found out about each other and now they want to kill each other.

Honestly, when he told me that I wanted to laugh because the predicament is just so ridiculous, but I had to collect myself and let him know that it sounds really unhealthy and that the girls sound very violent. Then, he added that both girls had been raped when they were little and both had already attempted suicide. Both have told him that he is the only thing keeping them alive. He said that he was in love with them both. That's when he began to cry and explain that no one could help him.

"That's not true," I said. "We can help you. Adults in your life can help you. We may not be able to solve your situation for you and make it go away, but we can help you think about it, we can help you reach a conclusion and we can help you take action. . . . Have you thought about calling a suicide hotline? Have you thought about speaking to your parents about this?"

He said he could never tell his dad because his dad would say that both of the girls are bad for him. "Your dad's right." I told him that he was a smart young man and that he had a lot of things going for him. I said that it's no coincidence that he chose two different girls with the exact same issues and drama. I told him that those kinds of choices--the girls he falls for-- will follow him throughout his life if he doesn't change. I said hat he'll always choose girls that are needy, have tons of baggage and drama and that need him desperately. I told him that he had a lot of thinking to do about his situation, that he needed to consider what he truly wanted first and then consider what to do with the girls. He needed to know that he had to make a tough decision and at least break it off with one of them. I tried to be funny and said, "Trust me, you can't have both. I tried to have two boyfriends once and it just didn't work out. It's too much drama." He smiled. He brushed off his tears and I told him to take a breather in the hallway and when he was ready, he could come back into the classroom. I saw him on his cell at the end of the day. Hopefully he'll pull through this one.

After second period, there's a break for a snack. That's when one of my student's parents walks in and starts to talk about her son. She's very concerned about him, so she's attending classes with him and has been doing so for a month. The child has straightened out a bit with her around and I commended her for her actions. Then she starts to cry and say that it's just so hard for her because her middle child is suffering from kidney failure and is always going to the hospital. Recently she was told that the treatment wasn't working and that it could cost her her life. The mother starts crying and asking why her son just couldn't be more responsible so that she could care for her daughter. We talked a lot about her son. He's actually a really good kid-- a kind heart, very sweet, tries his best, etc. He's got two issues at the moment though: 1) he tries to act tough and be cool because of his environment and 2) he's very emotional and has a hard time expressing his feelings. After a lengthy discussion, I finally asked, "Is he involved in helping you with your daughter? I mean, does he understand what's going on and is there a way he can help you?" And she looked astonished. She said, "You know what, you got me thinking about his relationship with his sister. I mean, he used to be so close to her, but she she got sick, I've kind of tried to limit what he knows so he doesn't get hurt." "So, it sounds like you need to talk with him about it... I think he can handle it."

For a brief moment, I felt like I actually helped someone today-- that these intense heart to heart conversations finally paid off with some kind of instant resolution. But, afterward, I could feel my body begin to shut down. I had just given so much emotional output that I needed a nap or something. Good thing lunch was around the corner. The rest of the day was normal.

Four Years of . . . What Happened?

I've been teaching at this urban school for four years now. And there's no real way to sum up my experiences here, but I'll attempt to give it a few sentences here. I can certainly say that it's been a real challenge. The first year, or the first few months, really, were the toughest, as you can read from the posts below. After that I really thought it would get easier. On a couple of levels it did because I didn't have the behavior problems that I had had before. I was able to learn classroom management and find a way to establish constructive relationships with the kids that, I believe, helped to push them academically. I honed my methods to make the curriculum more accessible for students and enjoyed that creative space. Inside my classroom, I found a safe haven. And it was rewarding for a time.

But in the last couple of years, I began to test the political waters of the school, feel around to see what was going on beyond my isolated classroom and small school... I wanted to get involved with the school community that I had essentially isolated myself from for two years... and what I found there was an inconceivable, confusing mess. I don't even know where to begin to describe it.

I guess I'll start from the top, since, as they say, "shit trickles downhill." The school district is one of the largest in the country. The administration there is overblown, ill-organized, expensive and time consuming. Typical gigantic bureaucracy. Then whatever is left of the federal and state funding we receive finally gets to our school, which is also teamed with a large administrative staff. One principal, three vice principals (downgraded from five this year because of budget cuts), and seven coordinators/coaches. Apparently there's a lot of paper pushing to be done. Or they just invent their job as they go along. No one really knows.

The principal has been replaced twice in my four years. Neither have been effective leaders in my opinion. Things are usually managed mafia style. The principal makes decisions underground, off the radar, sometimes only advised by his/her inner circle of hangers-on; and then when the deal is already in place, it becomes visible for teachers to "voice their opinions about," "consider," and "vote on," as if we teachers actually have a choice in the matter. The principal makes it appear that the teachers chose to have it a certain way. It's an excellent way to take credit when the plan seems successful or use the voting process as a scapegoat when it fails. Recently the system changed to include two school counsels to make administrative decisions on the students', parents' and teachers' behalves, but they are basically given the same treatment.

It's frustrating to know that opinions are asked for simply to meet some contractual obligation, and that they will never actually be taken into account. It's wasted energy and creates a sense of a community devaluation.

The vice principals in our school are known to be incompetent idiots. There's the rambling fool, the guy who never speaks, and the guard dog who only talks to you to let you know which rule you broke. I am completely amazed at the fact these people attained such stature on the totem pole.

The coordinators run the school. They are in charge of the budgets: receiving money, spending money, allocating funding, deciding which programs to retain, which to trash, choosing which field trips can be purchased and which can't. From what I can understand, it's a paperwork and bureaucratic nightmare of a job. But, since the upper echelon is incompetent, then the grunt work falls on the "little guy."

I don't even want to talk about the instructional coaches. Both have less than five years in the classroom-- what can they possibly offer to teachers, especially when so many of our staff have more than ten years of experience? Besides that, both have ditzy attitudes that make them appear stupid. I believe they were appointed by the principal to be her messenger.

Small groups/departments/teams have similar problems as the whole school setting. Meeting agendas are created ahead of time by administrators, who are so detached from the classroom that the meetings are an ineffective, pointless waste of time. Teachers never get an authentic opportunity to collaborate, build ideas and plan in advance. However, we are required to create--read "invent"-- lesson plans to make it look like we were doing something productive.

These realizations began the downward spiral to burnout.

Busy Busy Busy

I've never been this pressed for time in my life.

I have so much planning to do. Grading for 82 students on top of that. Plus, research and writing for my thesis.

I don't go out on weekends. I work.

I don't hang out much with friends. Unless I work with them.

And I don't get to exercise or do anything else that I normally enjoy because I'm so busy with my classroom and my school work.

I'm seriously ready for a vacation.

Wish I could call in sick... but I would have to lesson plan for the kids. And, anyway, I am in the process of collecting data for my thesis. It's kind of hard to collect data when I'm not there.

If only there were more hours in the day...

A Whole New World

Sorry I've been MIA. I'm not sure if it's been the lack of conflict that is causing me to not write, or if it's the fact that I have a lot of work to do. Probably both.

I'm gearing up for my thesis, which is involving a lot of writing in and of itself, and writing more on top of that for all of you (despite how much I love you all), doesn't necessarily make me very excited. Besides that, there's not too much happening these days. Or maybe, I should say, I'm enjoying what is happening these days.

My classes are starting to get comfortable with me, so they are starting to push the boundaries. It's natural. I think I'm handling it okay, but I think I could put more energy into staying on top of it. I recognize it immediately when kids talk out of turn or come into class tardy or throw something at their friend, but I still have a hard time following through on the consequences. I get distracted too easily... and I can't let the kids catch on to that because they will take advantage.

Still, my classes are not crazy like they used to be. My students are pretty much well behaved and good-natured. They act ashamed when they get caught doing something they shouldn't be doing. As far as I'm concerned, because of that, they're leaps and bounds ahead of my other kids.

As far as the curriculum, things are going well. We are reading Bradbury and doing Literature Circles. Many kids still struggle with reading and writing, so it's still challenging to get them to do some things.

For instance, I asked the kids to write a critical review of the story they read. We discussed what a review is (which they already knew). We took notes on the organizational patterns of reviews and discussed what good reviews look like. We read good examples of reviews; we analyzed them. And then I asked them to write their own.

I showed them an example on the board. I held their hand and told them to write the first line of the review, which should use figurative language or an interesting question, quote or comment to draw the reader in... and many students still looked at me with glassy eyes and said, "I don't get it." Short of writing it for them, I don't get what they "don't get." It's hard enough to get them to articulate what they don't get. But it usually comes down to that they don't feel that they are right... they don't have confidence in their opinions.

But this is all typical teaching stuff. It's the same ol' thing. I'm getting used to it and can handle it.

I am proud of all of my classes, but one in particular. They enjoyed reading a story so much ("The Veldt" by Ray Bradbury), that they want to turn it into a play. Luckily, I am not nailed down to a particular curriculum so I have plenty of flexibility in my classes to allow kids to do these types of things. Plus, I wanted to do a play this year anyway, but I wasn't sure how to get the kids to do one if they didn't want to. So, when they suggested it as a whole, and all agreed to it, I had no choice but to agree as well. Funny thing is, I have no idea how to do this. But, they have had some experience with Readers' Theatre and I have plenty of experience with being resourceful and figuring things out by flying on the seat of my pants, so it's a good combo. The kids have jobs -- set design/setting analysis, costume design/character analysis, writing/plot interpretation and, of course, acting. So far, I've been able to help them break down the elements. So, all in all, they've been enjoying themselves and I am too. I just hope I can pull this off!

Meanwhile, my Sheltered English class read an excerpt from the book "Black Boy" by Richard Wright. It's a tough text and they were able to get through it relatively well. Moreover, they liked it so much, they want to read the whole book. I'm trying to get copies and I may be able to get them by the end of the month, thanks to the funds for the magnet program. I still haven't told the kids that the book is 500 pages long. Do you think they will still want to read it?

Stay tuned...

I guess it's pretty obvious that things are better these days. I feel like I'm making some progress in my practice and that my students are making progress in their studies. We relate to each other well and get along. This is pretty much all I could ever ask for as a teacher.

I still see my other kids in the hallways and on the school grounds between classes. We exchange hellos and it's usually a pleasant greeting. I know they are good kids, but I also know they are giving their substitute one hell of a time. And I still wonder whether or not I would have made it through the year with them if I had stayed.... And all I can realize from any of this is that I am an incredibly lucky person.

Random Search

Yesterday, during my 3rd and 4th period block of Sheltered English, my students were in the middle of a lesson about editing some sentences from Everyone Poops. As I proceeded to clarify that "poop" and "deficate" mean to make caca, school administrators randomly disrupted us and searched all the kids with their portable metal detectors.

Considering that I am now familiar enough with the student population to know that many students do carry illegal goods, I wasn't very surprised. However, I was still appalled that the administration would go to such lengths to scare the bejeezus out of our kids. It's not only unnecessary, it fosters the culture of resistance that our school continues to face.

After each student was electronically given the once-over and had their backpacks completely torn through, and after their ipods, gum, highlighters and portable PSPs were confiscated, the students were in a mild outrage. I say mild because they weren't surprised by the random search either. In fact, they admitted to having brought knives on campus earlier in the year.** However, they didn't consider it necessary to have their possessions taken away from them.

I agreed; I don't think it's right to take away things from students without a good reason. The logic of the administration is that the items are against school rules and that any discovery of them on their person warrants their seizure. However, my classroom policy is that it stays out of sight and out of mind while class is in session. If I see it, it becomes mine until the end of the day. At that point, the student may pick it up. I believe my policy is more respectful of their age, hobbies and interests. On the other hand, if an administrator confiscates something, they require that the parent come to the school to claim their child's belongings.

What followed after the intrusion was a lively discussion of all the wrongdoing at our school. Students brought up several stories of their experience with teachers yelling at them, cursing at them, giving them consequences for no reason, some teachers and adminstrators even get physical with them or throw things at them. They even shared horror stories of teachers reading the newspaper during class with their feet kicked up on the desk. I listened to every complaint and attempted to mediate the classroom discourse with questioning. Occasionally, I would give my own opinion and experience.

One student, probably among the brightest in the class, now known as Future Lawyer, spoke often and shared several experiences. But, she insightfully commented on the atmosphere of the school when she said, "They tell us to follow the rules and do our work, but how can they expect us to trust them when they treat us this way?"

After complimenting her on her perceptiveness, I agreed and told her that I struggle with the same thought every day. How can I get my students to trust me when many of the other teachers and adults in their lives behave the way they do? Moreover, how can I trust my students, knowing what I know goes on at this school? What can I do to build a relationship with my kids so that they can get the kind of education they deserve? We left our questions rhetorical and unanswered.

I also shared something with them that I've always thought since I was their age, but I believe even more now that I am an adult and I am teaching in the inner-city. School, as a government institution, is more like a prison than it is a place for a mind to develop. The kids heard me say it and seemed cautious at first. But once they bit into that thought, they just chewed it up.

"Yeah," one talkative student said, "they [the teachers and administrators] are like wardens and we are like the prisoners." And me, being the dorky English teacher had to chime in and say, "You know what that is? That's an analogy." And I wrote it on the board. We then discussed the several ways in which the school was like a prison: the random searches, the punishments for wrongdoing, the uniforms, and the bell schedule.

The conversation flowed for an hour. It was difficult to keep the students calm and focused enough that they would listen to each other and wait to be called on to speak. Basically, one student would share an experience or speak his mind and then the entire room would break out in chatter. After each student spoke, I had to ask everyone to quiet down again so that the next person could share. It was exciting, yet difficult to manage. The kids just kept talking because it was such a hot topic and it was something that they care deeply about. And I was happy that they were interested in the conversation.

We didn't necessarily come to any conclusions about what to do in the future about all the bad things. I did advise them to report teachers who mistreated them. I made myself available for them if they had any concerns in the future. Also, I created some new policies in my classroom that they could hide their ipods and PSPs in our cupboards if they felt they would be searched again. Even though it was an upsetting moment when the administrators came in, especially considering the lesson missed, I felt glad to share such a meaningful conversation with my students.

**Regarding the knives story above: Apparently a student brought a set of kitchen knives to campus before the holidays to sell them to students in order to get money to buy presents for his family. Innocently thinking it was a wise business opportunity (or rather, not thinking at all), he sold knives to several students in the eighth grade. Up to twenty students then had knives over the course of they day. One student cut himself and had to confess his possession, which then led to the discovery of the rest. Luckily the students didn't rally to stage a coup because our teachers would have been S.O.L.

Welcome to the System

All of my students are bilingual. The entire school is made up of more than 98% of Latinos who generally speak Spanish at home. Some of them also speak English at home, but their knowledge of academic English is limited. My job, as I see it, is to teach them academic English so that they may be able to get into a four year university and thus become competitive in the world's marketplace.

75% of my students in the magnet school are reading at or around grade level. In other words, the majority are in the grade-level English class. 25% of my students are in what is called Sheltered English. This is the step between English as a Second Language (ESL) and grade level English Language Arts (ELA).

Before this class was created, students would stay in ESL until they were at grade level. However, administrators discovered that the highest level of ESL was basically a holding tank for students who weren't acheieving academically. And this became a very bad sign for several reasons.

In order for high school students to apply to four year universities in California, they must take at least four years of grade level English classes. ESL doesn't count. Therefore, if a non-native speaker wants to get into a four year university, that person either has to get into a grade level English course by 9th grade, or that person has to take community college courses after high school graduation.

This is one of the issues that holds many non-English speakers behind academically and economically.

Unfortunately, now, the Sheltered English class has become the new holding tank for kids who do not perform at grade level, especially in a school like mine, where the vast majority of students speak Spanish as their first language. The idea is to get these kids to perform at grade level immediately and move them up into grade level English.

In theory, it sounds simple. But, the reality is that the students have to jump through several hoops in order to get into the grade level English class. 1) They have to take the California English Language Development Test (CELDT). This test assesses their abilities in oral language, reading and writing. The students have to pass this test with an overall score of 4 out of 5-- not once, but TWICE. The students are only allowed to take this test once per year. 2) They have to take and pass the California Standards Test (CST) with a basic or better. The students also take this test once per year. And 3) They have to pass both of their English classes with a C or better. The students have two chances each year to obtain these scores.

Because of these requirements, many students are left in the holding tank of Sheltered English. Many do not advance into grade level English by high school, and as a result, do not attend four year universities. In fact, because of the pace at which these classes are usually taught, students get frustrated and bored and decide that school is not for them. These are the classes in which you will find the most resistant students and the worst environments for learning.

I'm not saying that these requirements are wrong or overzealous. I think they are necessary for kids to be proficient in the new global language. However, I also feel the urgency of helping these students accel and get to college.

So, my new objective is to search for ways to bring these kids up to speed both with the English language and with the critical thinking skills they will need to pass all those ridiculous tests.

Soon I will be observed by a revered colleague at my school, who is also our Bilingual Coordinator. Hopefully he will be able to give me some pointers. Until then, I'll be hitting the books.

"Classroom Distinctions" by Tom Moore

Here's a poignant op-ed article in the New York Times about the realities of inner-city teaching.

I'm an 'A' Student

My class is quite different these days. My kids are trained already; there is really very little that I have to do...simply build upon the foundation that is already built and maintain the balance. Teaching is so. much. easier.

The structure that this school has produced for the kids have created amazing results. All of the teachers in this school support each other and make sure that the kids stay in line. And these kids are really no different from my other kids in that (when they entered the magnet) they had the same academic abilities as the general student population in the sixth grade. But three years in the magnet (with the appropriate structure and high standards) have created students who are on target for their grade level. They are students who are proud and who care about school.

I am still going through the rules and procedures with my kids and trying to build a relationship with them at the same time. So, it's sort of the "honeymoon" phase. They are not testing me too hard and I'm not especially mean or strict. For the most part, they are good kids: they give me their attention when I ask for it. They respond to my authority with respect. In fact, I've been wondering if I'm going to have much good material to share on this blog. :)

But there are moments that make me raise my eyebrows... Students still want that attention and will say things to see if they can get a reaction out of me. Today, during my 3rd period block, another student from another class came into my room and randomly asked out loud if I was a lesbian. I didn't respond to her question and pretty much acted like I didn't hear her. She lost the spotlight and no one reacted. So, I think that was the right response.

Sometimes I wonder if I am dealing with a different breed of student, though. During my fifth period class, almost near the end, a student raised her hand and told me that she had completed the homework already. She wanted to know if she could turn it in. I said no and explained that she shouldn't be doing that during class. We were preparing for a test and I expected her to follow along so that she would understand what would be on it. She retorted with, "I'm an 'A' student. I'll understand the test."

Welllllll, okay then Missy.

My colleagues suggested that I give her a fake test with college level stuff on it. I think that's a brilliant idea. I just need to get my hands on something like that.

You Don't Know What You Got...

I informed my students on Tuesday that I would be leaving. I told them that it was the saddest day in my teaching career so far, that I didn't want to leave them, especially in the middle of the year, and that I would be going over to the magnet. I told them that I was recruited to go over there and that it was not by choice, but that I was basically asked to switch by the school. I told them that I would miss them greatly and that my door would be open for them if they ever wanted to visit.

Most of my first class was shocked and concerned and asked me not to go. They expressed a great deal of sadness and many of them wrote to me on the scrapbook I sent around the room for signatures and well-wishes. It was hard for me to tell them and I felt a genuine sadness for leaving.

By the time my second class came in, the rumor had spread around a little. Some students asked me if it was true and I gave them my little speech all over again. Once more I felt remorse for having accepted the position. I rememberd that the last few weeks with my students have been generally good, that our relationship was improving, and that I would be deserting something great that is just about to blossom.

My last class of the day bombarded me at the door. They all knew and they all were either very upset with me for leaving or expressing their incredible joy at my departure. It was an interesting reaction and it made me feel uncomfortable because I felt that I had made a stronger connection with this class, more than the others. It was very hard for me to give them the same speech I gave the others. But, since I had already practiced twice, it went okay. (By the way, I'm not a big fan of lying to the kids about being asked to switch rather than being given a choice, but it would be much more difficult for the kids to swallow... and I wanted to leave things with them on good terms.)

In general, the students showed incredible resilience. They also demonstrated sorrow and remorse. As I mentioned before, I sent around a scrapbook for them to sign. Students wrote such things as:
* "You where [sic] a good teacher[.] hope not to see you soon[.] J.K. LOL hope you have a nice class."
* "hope that your new class behaves better than us[.] hope you come and visit us in our class. Bye Bye miss u."
* "that [sic] wack [sic] your [sic] leaving our wonderful class[.] hope you miss us and were [sic] miss you."
* "Well Ms. hope that after you leave you still remember us. I know that even thought [sic] we look like we won't remember you we will. I always thought you were a cool teacher. I am sorry for the bad behavior. I will try to do my best."

Yesterday I was granted some time to prepare for my class, so I worked in the library while substitutes handled both of my classes. (As a side note, my old students received one of the schools best long-term subs with extensive experience and a great reputation within the school). But, for me, the main difference in preparing this time was that I was working under the supervision of the Boss. We discussed strategies, procedures and structures within the classroom at length and in depth. We talked about how to talk with the kids, how to present routines and rituals to them, which procedures are important and when to bring them up, and how to respond to the student's questions and interruptions. I devised a very detailed and succinct plan for the first day.

Today I put my new plan in to play with my new students. It went remarkably well. Sure I had the usual first and second period angels (they are still asleep); the third and fourth period knuckleheads (after nutrition); and the fifth period obnoxious ones (after lunch). But, I believe that many of my new students are no different than my old students. The main difference is my experience, my preparation, my improved communication with the students and the structure that I am prepared to build in my classroom. It's kind of like starting my second year early... but it's really just starting my first year over again with the kind of support from my colleagues that I was expecting in the first place. It's amazing the difference it makes. I feel ready to tackle the job of teaching now. And I believe that I'm going to be successful.

In the meanwhile, I've been receiving regular visitors from my old class with hugs and chatting and general good will. I know that I will be able to maintain my relationships with these kids and I am comforted by that fact. I feel like I'm a part of the school community now. It feels good.

Double Trouble

Today was the first day back after break. I was so nervous last night because I didn't have anything planned. I've been working so much on my rules and procedures for my new class that I didn't have time to come up with something decent for my current kids. I ended up going with some lame test prep stuff (a necessary evil). But I ended up having fun with the kids by playing with Photo Booth on my Mac. Here's a pic of a pair of my favorite rascals:



Surprisingly enough, after the class had a little laughter with the funny pictures of themselves, they got right down to business with writing notes for their upcoming test preparation. Don't they say laughter is the best medicine?



Anyway, my new administrator interrupted me during my last class today to inform me that I'll be starting with my new class on Wednesday. That means tomorrow will be my last class with my kids. And I'm not sure how I feel about that.

While I'm putting this all in writing, the task seems so simple and clear, but it's been a lot of hard work over the last week to get myself set up for the Big Day. And I'm still not ready. Not only have I not reached full closure with my current kids, I have yet to prepare for meeting the new ones.

I spent three days moving my materials, books and posters from one classroom to the other, as well as rearranging the new classroom and reorganizing everything that the old teacher had left. I also had to clean up the old classroom and make it so that I could still teach in it for the time being. I haven't completely set up the new classroom, but at least everything is in its place for the set up and decorations to be installed. Moreover, I'm still trying to figure out my intro speech and procedures so that the kids will get the point that I mean business. Plus, I have to lesson plan for the current kids and figure out where the new kids are at in order to lesson plan for them. It's double-double the enjoyment.

I'm looking forward to a fresh start on Wednesday . . . and I'll be sad to say goodbye to my kids. But, I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

Miss G. 2007

With the new year, I will release a new, improved, upgraded and updated model of myself as a teacher and a mentor. While the political wheels are turning (ever so slowly) to get me into my new classroom by next Monday, I am reconsidering and revamping my entire introductory phase with my students. The first week is critical-- no, the first day, the first minute! Every move that I make will be giving my new students their first impressions and I have to make every second count.

I believe that, with my first try in the classroom, I didn't create a relationship with my students in which they could trust me. Although I introduced myself, I didn't create a space for them to get to know me. I talked about my credentials and my interests, but I didn't tell them enough stories about my background and experiences. Moreover, even though I created questionnaires to get to know them, the questions were more for fun than for practical purposes. For instance, I asked such things as, "If you were an animal, which one would you be and why?" Sure, it was light-hearted entertainment, but does it really tell me what my students' strengths, weaknessess, interests and daily routines are? Not so much. Even worse was that I started too quickly to punish them for breaking rules that were not fully established. And sometimes those punishments were too harsh. Although students should receive consequences for rude behavior, the students consider calling their parents to be disrespectful to them. I couldn't have known that at the time, but I didn't really consider the situation from their perspective. I simply didn't understand them or the situation. There are, of course, other little things I need to work on: such as knowing what to say when a child insults another child; or how to respond when a student is calling me loudly from the other side of the room while I'm busy working with another student... But, I believe if I alter those first few days with the kids and really make an effort to get to know them and show them that I care, I will make a dramatic difference in the way that they behave in class AND in their motivation to succeed.

I'm planning a multi-media presentation to discuss a little bit about me, my credentials, background and experiences. It will be complete with Google Earth images, iPhoto snapshots, music and possibly website integration. I will also include my class rules, routines and grading procedures through a Powerpoint presentation, similar to the one I did earlier this year. I'm also recreating a student questionnaire with two pages of more important questions, such as, "How do you get to school?" and "How can I help you get the most out of this class?" After that, I'm altering my rules and consequences to include more concrete rules (e.g., instead of, "be responsible," the rule is, "be in your seat and at work when the bell rings"); and I'm including more steps in the order of consequences. As I mentioned earlier, I involved the parents much too soon when I should have tried other methods for a longer period of time beforehand, such as student conferences and student self-analysis of behavior.

I truly wish I would have understood all of this before I stepped foot into my old classroom back in September. I feel like I've done my students a great disservice and I feel like I owe them for time poorly spent. I can't make up that time and I may not even get a chance to adequately say good-bye.

I've thought a lot about when and how I should say good-bye to my students. If I start immediately with the new kids on Monday, then I might only get a few minutes to drop in on the class and tell them the news. They will find out before I can get there, though, because all of my classroom decorations will be gone. And then the gossip will spread to the later classes. They will have a sub, or a new teacher, and will probably be confused or upset (or even overjoyed). I can guess that I'm going to get the "tough-guy" response from many of them-- as if they don't care that I'm leaving; some may truly not care. But, some may actually show that they don't want me to leave. And that's going to kill me because I know that I'm going to miss all of them. I hope they don't believe that I took the new job because of them. Even though that was certainly a reason, it was a smaller reason. In fact, I didn't take the job earlier because I wanted to teach them. But the benefits of the magnet position were almost too good to be true. At the very least I need to let them know that they taught me many tremendous lessons over the last few months and that I believe they made me a better teacher. I will leave my new classroom door open in case any of them want to visit and perhaps, after they no longer have a class with me, we can develop the kind of relationships I was hoping to build with them all along.

Cruise Control

I've decided to "take the week off." Physically, I am present at school, doing whatever it takes to get by. But, mentally I've left the building. I'm on cruise control. Anything just to get through the week. Tomorrow is a half day and the final day before Winter Break. I've made it through 15 weeks. Officially.

I didn't do any lesson planning for this week. I had the kids do an art project as I mentioned in my last post. We also continued to study expositions through an evaluation of the documentary "Super Size Me." The kids kept getting upset that I would stop the film and ask questions requiring independent thought processes. So it wasn't exactly a critical evaluation of the movie. The kids even memorized the camp song, "Kentucky Fried Chicken and Pizza Hut," that plays in the beginning. But I think I might have also curbed a few after-school trips to McDonald's because of the lengthy collage of fat people and the symphonic gastric bypass surgery. They acted like they felt pretty disgusted and that made me feel pretty good.

Since I've been more lax this week, the kids haven't been jerks. Granted, they still don't listen to me, but they haven't blatantly disrespected me either. They've even taken my bad humor pretty well. I had asked the kids to cut and paste an informational sheet into their notebooks, giving them explicit directions and writing them on the board. One of my cholas-- a pretty girl with major attitude-- hadn't heard the directions and didn't read the board, and several minutes later asked me where to stick the paper. I said, "I'll show you where to stick it," with a big smile on my face. The boys sitting near her burst out laughing and shoued, "Ohhhh! Buuuuurrrn!" And then, I said, "RTFD." And they just kept laughing.

It was sweet.

Tomorrow is party day. Food, music, another movie, etc. It's a half day and then the faculty have a luncheon with a white elephant gift exchange. . . . After that . . . it's three weeks of freedom.

I can't wait.

I wish you all the happiest of holidays.

Art for Art's Sake

It's the last week of school before our three week Winter Break and I want to leave things on a high note with my kids. You know, as high as it can get. So, this week, we have been working on an art project.

I asked the students to design a piece of art that describes their ultimate goal or dream. The only materials they can use is construction paper, scissors and glue. They aren't supposed to draw on the construction paper. Lastly they are supposed to write a paragraph describing the artwork and explaining what it means to them.

I made the mistake of allowing them to pair up if they wanted, but I said that they couldn't have more than two on a team.

The results, so far, have been fascinating. Many students worked well in teams while others worked well independently. But, I got the impression that they wanted to work in groups because it meant that they didn't have to put in as much effort. I thought this because some students would only work if they were in teams of three. And a few kids refused to be on any team or to do anything at all. One student preferred to file papers for me.

I also noticed that it took them a long time to complete the project. I gave the students three classes (each class is two hours long). Many students finished after the second day. More finished after the third day. But quite a few are incomplete after six full hours of (supposed) work.

This is not a case of inability. This is not a language barrier type of assignment. This is from what is called LAZINESS and LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

It's both sad and appalling. It's art, for crying out loud!

Ugh.

It makes me feel utterly defeated when I try to make the class fun for the kids and they still ignore the assignment. Let's all pray this is just a phase and they grow up to be wise and healthy adults.

Until then, all I have to say is: Three! More! Days!

F/U

Just a quick follow-up on my last post: I said yes.

You knew I would.

And the principal agreed to the matter on the condition that the magnet school finds a replacement for my current post. I will be starting with my new class immediately after the holidays or soon thereafter. And not a moment too soon.

I believe that the kids will be okay in the long run. I know that our relationship got off to a rocky start and, because I didn't know how to respond to their behavior, I exacerbated the problems. They need a new beginning as much as I do. I still wish I could have a new beginning with them, not with new students; but I will certainly welcome any opportunities of developing relationships with them outside the classroom context.

It will be interesting to note the differences, in the same population of students, between what happens in a magnet school and what happens in a "regular" school. More on that to come.

In the meantime, a few teachers got a leak of the gossip and are having tantrums.

What can I say? I got lucky. ;)

Dilemma: My Own "New Way Forward?"

As Bush sits on his haunches and ponders what to do with the sticky rebel situation in Iraq, I have my own rebels to dwell upon. There is something that I haven't been mentioning in my posts because I haven't even considered it as an alternative. Until now.

I have been offered a position to teach 8th grade English in the magnet school on campus.

The magnet school is basically the same school under an independent administration with separate rules, procedures, and operations. They are better funded, better staffed and have better facilities. The student population is no different; the students are admitted by simply completing an application, not by having high grades or test scores. The class size remains at 25:1. The teachers also work together with greater cooperation with each other and parents. All of these elements work in favor of the children, who are essentially known to better behaved.

I was first offered the position in September and I turned it down. I knew that my students expected me to leave and even tried to make my life a living hell to see if I would actually leave. Doing it would reaffirm their beliefs and possibly hurt their self-esteem even more. Plus, I would look like a quitter. So, I said no.

I was again offered the position in late October. I turned it down again.

Today, for a third time, one of my experienced advisors basically said, "Take the magnet position."

I told her I would have to sleep on it.

The fact that I am even considering the job makes me realize how difficult of a time I am having. I think my previous posts speak for themselves. It's been a rough 14 weeks. And to think that I have to go another 26 is . . . well . . . daunting. I'm already working my tail off-- 12 hour days, lack of sleep, work on weekends, taking verbal abuse from kids, not getting enough support, feeling overstressed and generally low. I'm failing to take care of myself and it's not fun.

Then, there are some days that don't suck. Now, don't mistake these for good days. They are by no means "good." They just aren't bad; the last couple of days have been like that. The kids aren't driving me completely insane, only mildly so. Some of them do some "work" (like copying from the board). When I send them out of the room for misbehavior, they actually complain and ask to be allowed to stay.... These are the days in which I rejuvenate and build up the energy to withstand the days that make me want to pack up my things and leave for good. Because, in all reality, there are more bad days than . . . days that don't suck. Anyway, I'm on the up-swing right now and I should take into consideration that riding its momentum might make me want to stay put.

The main question that I am trying to answer here is: Do the costs outweigh the benefits?

Costs of staying: possible depression and loss of sanity which could lead to a negative affect on the kids
Benefits of staying: learning how to cope with a monster of a challenge

Costs of leaving: the kids might not take it lightly; I might actually miss them and I would feel terrible for leaving them; since I'd be at the same school, people will talk
Benefits of leaving: starting over (both me and the kids), possibly maintain what is left of sanity, the laundry list of positives that the magnet has to offer, plus a future in teaching (at this school) that looks much brighter

Everyone that I have talked to about this says to take the magnet job. Even my list above speaks volumes. Although the costs of leaving will be heavy and will hurt tremendously in the short run, the long-range benefits outweigh them.

It seems obvious, right? I mean, even with the case of Iraq, almost everyone seemed to think that pulling out was the best option. Many people believe it's a lost cause. But, in my case, I still can't decide. I still believe that the future of 85 growing individuals depends in part on me. And if I make a move that appears as if I am giving up on them, they could more easily justify giving up on themselves. They would know I'm leaving because they were "bad." It would reaffirm their belief that they are bad kids. It might also reaffirm their belief that they are stupid.

And what about these new kids in magnet? Who am I to assume the classroom context would be any better?

I don't think I'm going to get much sleep tonight.

Divide and Conquer

Any military personnel can tell you that the most successful strategy to win a war is to divide and conquer. And most teachers will tell you the same thing when it comes to classroom management.

Ideally, classrooms would be large enough that misbehaving students could find isolation within the room and not have the opportunity to bother others. Also, classrooms would be constructed in a way that students could easily move from working in groups to working independently, without any hassle during the transition.

Even more ideal would be diversifying the student population in terms of desire to learn, willingness to participate and be a good student, and motivation to succeed.

You already know the punchline, though: the reality is simply not that way.

My classroom is a long rectangular shape, with the whiteboard at the far end. It is narrow and lacks storage space. Student desks are the chair-attached-to-desk kind, which students don't easily fit in to (because many are overweight) and aren't able to move much. They are situated close together and annoy each other easily. Moreover, many of them are far enough from the front of the room that I can't get to them easily if they are misbehaving.

The whole environment reminds me of being on an airplane. You have to sit close to strange people in uncomfortable chairs, where you can't stretch out your legs. And you all know how airplane rides really suck when the other people on the plane are whiny, talkative, loud, pushing your chair or stealing your space in the overhead compartment. It's even worse when there are kids on board to do these things.

Now, imagine being on one of those airplane rides for two hours per day Monday through Friday. That's what my class is like.

No wonder my kids don't get along.

Since I don't have the proper environment to divide and conquer, I've been advised to send the usual suspects out of class immediately when then bell rings. Hopefully, with the worst of them out, the rest of the class will get used to regular quiet work habits. Then, I will bring the others back in, one at a time, who will then, theoretically, be able to able to follow along with regular class procedure.

That's the plan anyway. But, it's all about the implementation.

We'll Do It Our Way

In general, I believe there is a right way to do something and a wrong way to do it.

Actually, there are many right ways of doing things and a million more wrong ways of doing them. Nevertheless, I try to do all that I can to prevent mistakes and wrongdoing in the first place. I attempt to meet a higher standard, not just in the final product, but in the way that I do something.

Don't get me wrong, there are many things that I fail at miserably. Over and over again. But, I try.

However, it is this exact philosophy of working to meet a higher standard that is causing the biggest issue between me and my students.

It's not that my students don't have standards. They do. They just appear to be different from mine.

Quick case in point: today we watched a movie in class as a reward for good behavior. I made it very clear that I expected the students to not talk during the movie so that we could all listen and enjoy it. I even told students that I would make them sit next to me or leave the room if they continued to talk after a warning.

Many students, for the most part, continued to talk during the movie, despite my warnings. They made jokes and comments about what they saw. As much as I would love to have each and every student sit next to me, it's impossible. Moreover, if they were quiet comments, it would be okay. But they have loud voices.

It got to the point where I would pause the movie so that they would understand that they were too loud. Well, it ended up that we didn't even get to finish the movie because I paused it so often.

Perhaps they find the commentary entertaining. Perhaps they can't help themselves. Perhaps they see nothing wrong with their behavior and see no risk in the consequences. Whatever the case, it's annoying.

-----

Then comes my 3rd and 4th period block. I wanted to teach my students a new activity. It was my intention to show them exactly how I wanted them to do it, so they wouldn't have any questions (such as, "What am I supposed to do?" or "I don't get it."). Selected students read the directions out loud. Some followed along. Others had side-conversations at their tables.

I knew that not everyone would understand (because of the side-conversations), so I wanted one group to be the model of what we are supposed to do. But, they refused. They complained about having to be the center of attention. No one else would volunteer. While I tried to talk to the group about this refusal to participate, other groups simply began to work on the assignment. One student in the back simply said, "Just let us do it our way."

Now, I supposed that this was a good thing and I let it slide; after all, this was the goal of the group work. However, there was a part of me that was tied in knots. I knew that there would be at least one group that wouldn't do the assignment as described because they didn't understand the intended directions.

Still, the groups worked independently and seemed to be getting the work done. As I walked around, several students showed me their completed work. And, low and behold, not one of them completed it as it stated in the directions.

"This is why we have a time to discuss the directions," I said. "If we don't talk about it and demonstrate how to do it right, how are we supposed to know what to do? How am I supposed to know if you have any questions?"

It irritates me, to say the least, that my students have the hardest time getting through the directions for a task. If I gave them a piece of paper with directions, they wouldn't read it. They would look at the picture, graph, or chart and try to figure it out based on that alone. If there were no picture, they would say, "I don't get it." A few students don't listen to directions. Most of them don't want to demonstrate how to do something correctly when they do understand it.

I talked with one of my students, a bright girl in one of the groups near the front of the room, and she said, "We never read the directions. Whenever we get a game, we just play it until something happens that doesn't make sense. Then we'll try it a different way. Same thing with video games. We never read the directions. We just play it."

It makes sense with games. Rules can be implied and learned indirectly. But, what if they want to cook a new dish, or put together a piece of furniture, or install a new electrical system in their house? Even more importantly, what if they were on a new job building someone else's house and they didn't follow given directions? It's a disaster waiting to happen.

I can understand allowing them their own freedom to do things their way to a certain extent. They need to be allowed to make mistakes. Hopefully, they will learn from them. But, in the meanwhile, it's annoying that these mistakes could be prevented by a slight change in habit. And, so far, they insist upon doing it their way.

I think I'm going to take a hint from my brother-in-law and put a sign over the whiteboard that reads "RTFD." Read the Directions (the F is silent). It will serve as a constant reminder to my students that there is a sure-fire way to do something right the first time.

Student Autobiographies

Sorry for taking so long to post again, but I've been debating about whether or not to publish some student work. I don't know the legalities of the situation, but I think that some of the work simply deserves to be read. Please take note that the assignment was that the students connect an event in their life with lyrics from a song. Please also be aware of the level my students are at with their English abilities. I hope you enjoy their work as much as I have.

DRIVING AN ESCALADE -- by J.

Once my mom was in vacation with my dad. They went to Mexico for one month. Before they left they dropped me, my sister, and my brother in my aunt’s house. We stayed there for one week and then we went to my other aunt’s house. We stayed there for another week and then we got to the real action with the Escalade. They see me rolling they hating patrolling trying catch me riding dirty. I was asking my sister for the keys of the car. She was telling me no because she thought I was going to crash. I told her don’t be a pussy and get me the keys. My cousin told me that if I crash she was going to beat me up. We went cruising and we went to Burger King to munch it on some whoppers. We started hearing the radio and my song came out They see me rolling the hating patrolling trying catch me riding dirty. My sister told me if I ever heard of Chamillionaire.

I know English -- by A.

When I was 7 years old I started to know English because I use to go to school but I knew that English is hard to learn. Not that many people know English it rare if you know English. The I said I know English said it okay son you are learning pretty fast I said thanks. I talk to my friends English I like talking English like that I know that I am learning English because thanks to all my teachers that show me. I use to talk to me parents English but they didn’t know what I was saying but know they know what I say.

“DILE”- by J. (Sorry for the caps-- she wrote it this way.)

THIS ONE TIME ME AND MY BOYFRIEND HAD BROKEN UP. BECAUSE A LOT OF HATERS WERE TELLING HIIM THAT I WAS CHEATING ON HIM. WHIT ANOTHER GUY. AND I WAS TELLING HIM IT WASING TRUE AND HE DIDN’T BELIVE ME . LATER ON 1 MONTH LATER HE FOUNG OUT THAT I WAS SAYING THE TRUE AND HE WANTED TO GET BACK WITH ME BECAUSE HE FEEL STUPID BECAUSE HE DIDN’T BELIVE ME. SO WE GOT BACK TOGHETER. THE SONG THAT RELATES WITH ME IS CALLED DILE IT’S A SPANISH SONG BY:DON OMAR. THE SONG GOES LIKE THIS DILE QUE BAILANDO TE CONOSE QUENTALE QUE SOY MEJOR QUE EL CUENTALE QUE TE TRAIGO LOCA QUENTALE QUE NO ME QUERES VER.

My Special Events in My Life -- by Y.

It was on Christmas vacation and we had gotten back from Mexico and like the 3rd day that we were at L.A we received a call that they told us our tia Lencha had past away on January 12,2006 .
So immediately my nino,my brother ,my aunt ,and me we left to Mexico again.We left the same day they told us that she had past away.My aunt ,brother,and me stood their for 1 month and we helped in everything and we were in charged in everything .When I think about it and I hear the song (when I’m gone ) by Eminem it makes me think of my aunt especially the part ,have you ever loved someone so much you’d give an arm for ? because I loved her so much that’s why this song makes me think of her .

MY SISTER’S FIRST FIGHT -- by J.

When my sister went to Mexico some girl was talking shit about us Americans. She was saying that we just go to Mexico to talk shit about them. My mom was saying not to fight because she doesn’t want to look bad in front of her mom and dad. My sister told the girl if she kept talking smack she was going to beat her up. The girl kept talking smack and my sister just socked that bitch in the face and then they went at it for almost an hour. My sister told my mom everything about the fight and my mom started laughing and then slapped the shit out of her.

My Life -- by R.

In my religion, when people are about to go to classes for two years called Caticism which is school for Catholics to learn more about God. These classes are as short as two years to as long as 5years. “ I’m not a girl not yet a women” a line from the song Not a Girl not yet a Women from Britney Spears relates exactly to my situation. It an event in a Catholics life when there accepted as an adult into the religion. At this moment many things were running through my head I was excited scared nervous. When I took a breath I was able to smell the alcohol in the wine we were about to drink. It was an exciting event in my life I will never forget.

Truth and Consequences

Today I gave my students the following prompt as their "warm-up":

"We often make rules and guides to keep ourselves safe, healthy and happy. For example, if we didn't have laws for driving, we could get into more accidents and get hurt-- or even killed. Other rules are created to determine the value of something. When you go shopping, you can't leave the store without paying. Very rarely to do get something valuable for free.

"What kinds of rules do you think belong in our classroom? Make a list. Explain why you think these rules are important. Think of some reasonable consequences for when/if these rules are broken."

Most students wrote for a few minutes and kept relatively silent. They have been caught a little off-guard lately because I cancelled sustained silent reading. (As a sidenote: I cancelled SSR because they didn't actually read and instead used that time to bug each other, whisper insults, or daydream.)

As I greeted them, I began to talk about how I value their opinions and how I believe they should have a voice in the classroom. I said that I came up with my rules (Be Respectful, Be Responsible, Be Prepared-- rather vague and meaningless to middle-schoolers) and that they should have a chance to include their own rules.

Maybe I should have said something else. Maybe I was expecting some slight maturity about the matter. Maybe I should have never even gone there. But, as if on cue, in the most ironic way, a student raised his hand and suggested, "We should be allowed to talk whenever we want to..."

I wrote his idea on the board amidst cheers of approval. Another student promptly added, after raising his hand, that, "We should be able to get out of our seats whenever we want to." More shouting and cheers.

It was amusing because they were following regular classroom participation procedures in order to suggest rules that are essentially not rules; they stayed within the boundaries in order to suggest a procedure without boundaries.

I verbalized this observation of their behavior and the kids just laughed it off. "What did you expect, Miss?"

"Well, I was hoping that you would have some real suggestions so that we could improve our classroom." Then, I tried using some "real world" analogies about what would we do if everyone was allowed to do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted. The kids thought that this was a fantastic idea and they began to daydream aloud, to each other, who they would knock off the face of the earth first. Lucky for me, their science teacher was at the top of the list.

A very loud-mouthed girl, Maria, proceeded to get out of her chair, walked to the front of the class, passed me, and threw away her empty pack of gum in the garbage. As she was returning to her seat, I asked Maria to go back, pick the trash from the garbage can and sit down in her seat. Reluctantly, and giving as much loud backtalk as she could muster, she went back to the garbage, knocked it over with her foot, and used her feet to take the wrapper out. She shuffled it back to her seat, without touching it with her hands. "Maria!" "Maria!" several kids called out, "Cochina!" ["Dirty!"]

It was at this moment of buzzing classroom excitement that one of my favorite vexations, Jason, insulted another student (a big kid) by saying something about being hungry. I attempted to use that situation to discuss the importance of rules and respect. "How would you like it if he said that about you?" . . . And he said that he wouldn't care.

Then, Jason said, "Hey, why don't they make these desks with little ladders on them, then Jose can get into them easier." The class burst out laughing, including Jose, a short pudgy kid.

This part was more unfortunate than the first insult because it made me laugh too. Then Jose said, "Look, Miss is laughing!" I had to think quick. "Well, you know, I grew up as one of the shortest in my class, so I can understand the short jokes.... So, why do you think it's okay to insult each other this way?"

"Because it's funny!" "Because it doesn't matter!" "We're friends, we say this to each other all the time!"

"So, basically, you're saying that your insults show others that you care about them and that you are friends."

"Yeah."

"So, where does it stop? When do the friendly insults become mean?"

"When someone starts crying," said a girl in the front row.

"Oh, Karina, you always cry," Jose said.

"Do not!" she retorted as she fixed her hair for the thirtieth time that morning.

Then, someone in the back yelled out something about cucarachas. I guess the rumor had spread around that my third period found a cockroach in the class yesterday and I was getting teased for it.

"Well, if my students wouldn't leave their garbage all over the floor, we wouldn't have a cockroach problem." The students grinned and leaned forward in their seats. A few tittered.

"And you know, gum is one of the things that cockroaches feed on. And we all know who leaves their gum in the room..."

The class exploded in unison, "MARIA!!!" And they nearly fell over laughing. "Hey, Miss made a good joke! Her first one this year!"

Then, they applauded me. They straight up clapped for me.

And I couldn't help laughing. Not because I thought what I said was funny. In fact, I had no idea what was funny. I had intended to make a very good point about many of my students who spit their gum out on the floor, under the desks, on the walls, and in the bookshelf. I had intended to make everyone feel responsible. But, I laughed because I didn't understand why they thought what I said was funny. I was laughing at the miscommunication. And I was laughing because their laughter was contagious.

I definitely didn't accomplish what I intended with the lesson; but I accomplished something else which I believe is much more powerful. I think I established, at least for a moment, a connection.

Integrity

In an effort to help me motivate the kids, three ex-teachers from my school gave a presentation to my students yesterday. Three male teachers, who have been at this school awhile came in and talked about integrity, growing up responsibly and planning for their future. They presented together. They discussed how they grew up in this neighborhood and how they experienced the same things. And the students responded to them easily.

The students didn't move a muscle. They didn't talk; they followed the rules and expectations. They participated and demonstrated their respect and concern for the presentation subject. It was like they were different kids.

The three ex-teachers (I believe) attempted to show me how to work with the kids (explain expectations, affirm positive behavior, gently coax kids away from disruptive or negative behavior, etc.). But, I believe that I had done these things with the kids enough in the beginning and they didn't respond to it.

I wonder if it is because of my race, my class, my lack of experience, my being female, and my being young that is giving the kids their excuses to disobey me. They decided early on to not like me and to disrespect me. They are using that excuse to disregard this class and their lessons. And they are following through with their decision.

I was hoping that the presentation would help the kids find a reason to get involved with their studies. But, it didn't. The second the presenters left, the student returned to their normal behavior. I believe that the students only consider integrity when it is concerning one of their own.

As an example, one of my students, Angel, said that he has shown integrity before. He's backed up his friends/family if they get in a fight or other trouble. I asked, "What about people that are not friends or family?" And he said, "No. No way."

So, I can only suspect that, in this culture, integrity only counts when it is in regards to one of your own. And for them, that doesn't include me.

I'm still trying to think of ways to help them past that belief. But, culture and beliefs are strong. It's hard to break such habits, thoughts and feelings. It's hard to get on their side, especially when the opposition is so obvious.

What I am going to try is dialogue journals. The students keep a journal in class and I respond to each of them once a week or so. This will give me a chance to develop individual relationships with each student while demonstrating proper grammer, punctuation and spelling. Plus, it will give the students a chance to develop their voice. It might even bring some change to their beliefs about who to trust, and to whom to demonstrate integrity and respect.

Controlled Chaos

Mondays are good days. Usually. These are the days of the week where I am rested, relaxed, and ready. I am also more willing to put up with the many annoyances of my little darlings and let certain things slide a little bit.

In other words, my administrator chose an excellent day to come in and give me an informal observation.

My kids have been working on a writing assignment: an autobiographical soundtrack. They have been assigned to choose five events in their life and relate it to a song. This is not so easy of a task as you might think. It requires some knowledge of music, ability to relate two unrelated things to each other, writing abilities, knowledge of paragraph writing and plenty of research and time committment. Well, it's been a little messy because I only have four computers in my classroom. So, we rotate. The students who are not using computers do have things to work on, but they choose to sit and talk with their friends rather than do the work. I am okay with them talking, as long as they are sharing ideas about songs to use. But, as you can imagine, this does not always happen. To also assist them in choosing songs, I allowed them to bring their ipod into the classroom and listen to it while they work. This is against school rules. I knew this, but thought it would be okay as long as students were given my permission to do so.

My administrator, I believe, is great. She's got a strong and positive personality. She's new, but she's been helpful so far and has great ideas. (Others don't like her so much, but I disagree with their sentiment). Anyway, she came into my class unannounced and proceeded to watch silently. Students were generally working, but straightened up a little when she walked into the room. I did my usual thing, walked around, answered questions, helped kids brainstorm ideas, and worked with them to write.

Apparently one student has his CD player out and she took it away from him. In front of the entire class, she said, "I'll let you buy it back from me. How much is it worth to you?" He said, "Five bucks." She agreed. The money changed hands infront of everyone's eyes. I watched, surprised at the discipline style. And I was further surprised when she discreetly handed me the five bucks and told me to give it to the students after class.

Despite this unordinary situation, she told me that I have "good class management," she likes "my decorations," and what I have is basically "controlled chaos." I have to agree for the most part. I don't think my management abilities are terrible, but for some reason, my kids still don't follow general class rules (i.e., no talking, no chewing gum, no getting out of your seat without permission, etc.). That is the chaotic part and I do my best to control it, even though it remains to a great extent uncontrollable.

I simply thank my luck that she came in during my sixth period class, on Monday. The class that likes me enough to respect my rules on a more regular basis. And I wish every day could be as relaxed and controlled as the first day of the week.

It Ain't Me, Babe

At my school, the teachers are split into small learning communites and grade-level teams within those communities. The math teacher, history teacher, science teacher and p.e. teacher on my team all have my students.

I've been speaking with them about our kids over the last few professional development days. They have an interesting perspective because our school "loops" students, meaning that students stay with the same teachers for both their seventh and eighth grade years. In other words, this is the second year that my team has worked with these students. And these experienced teachers are also having a hard time with them... for the second year in a row.

The math teacher has made frequent home-visits to "all" of the students' homes. He basically told me, "Give me a name and I'll tell you if I've been there or not." This has not, apparently, helped the situation because, in his words, "the students just don't give a damn. They don't care whether we like them and they don't care if they get good grades."

The science teacher has made frequent requests to the school counselor to drop students from his classes. But, it's not happening. The students hate him the most and I believe it's because they don't understand him at all.

My other team member, the history teacher, is the one teacher that the students say good things about. (In fact, they yell it at me, "Mr. P. is a better teacher than you! We hate you!"**) Mr. P. has his own opinions. "They're just assholes," he said. And after some time, he added, "but, I mean that in an endearing way." Even he gets exasperated with them and tells them that he won't teach a lesson on some days, like I have a done. "They won't listen no matter what you do, so at that point, it's not worth wasting your energy." But, he's also mentioned that the kids need plenty of structure, consistency and simplicity.

Perhaps his understanding and implementation of this structure has led to his success with students. I don't know for sure. It could be other things as well, like the ability of the kids to relate to him. But to begin, I am working on coming up with my own plan to achieve these structural elements that I know my previous lessons have lacked.

In the midst of tackling that operation, my teammates and I are scheming to tackle something much greater: the behavior, morality and cooperation of the little shits (and I mean that in the most endearing way, of course). I believe it will be of great benefit to the entire team if we create a single policy to deal with their behavior. It will let them know that we are together and that we are keeping each other informed of what is happening in other classrooms. If they screw up in one place, they deal with the consequences in all places. It will also help inform both the parents and the administration of what kind of issues we have on our hands.

**To provide room for my students to vent their frustrations, I asked them to write about what they think/feel about the school, teachers and other students at the school. It was an interesting, and perhaps gutsy, provocation that unleashed a barrage of tongue-lashing directed at yours truly. I invited their comments and explained that they had their right to their opinion and that I respect that. I also mentioned that it doesn't bother me that they don't like me. I said that I understand the difference between liking someone and respecting them. They are two different things. One of my students, "David," tried to egg me on, saying, "It hurts you Miss, doesn't it? I can tell it hurts you that nobody likes you." And he beat again his heart with his palm. "No, it actually doesn't," I said with a calm smile. "I don't mind. I can tell you are only trying to make me mad and it's not working." And then I moved on with the lesson.

Mi Casa Es Suya

I called a parent last week about her son's behavior in my classroom. In my best Spanish, I told her that I wanted to conference with her to help her son, whom I believe is very intelligent but who doesn't work in class or do homework. Instead of working, he disturbs other people in class, goofs off and shows defiance.

The conversation when something like this: His mom told me that she works and would not be able to meet me. I asked if the father could meet with me. She explained he works too-- everyday until 6 pm. Was there anyone who could come to speak with me? No. Okay, can I come over to your house? You want to come over here? Yes. Ok, that's fine. When is the best time for you? After 6pm. Is Sunday at 6 ok? Yes. Ok, thank you very much for your time. I will see you then.

----

I didn't know what to expect, but I went over there with a plan. A fellow teacher, who makes frequent home visits, gave me a few tips: tell them exactly what is happening in the class, express belief that the student's behavior can change, and don't leave until you make an agreement with the student that he/she will take the necessary steps to make the change.

So, I walked down the street in the barrio around 6 this evening. It was already dark outside but the street lights were on and several children were playing in the streets. None of the houses had numbers on them, so I ended up asking for directions in my best Spanish to some random guy that was standing out on his balcony. "Busco a Senor R--." He pointed to the apartment below him and said, "Abajo."

Through the screen door, I noticed someone watching t.v. on their couch. I knocked and the man looked over at me and said, "Uh oh." Immediately, I felt a little nervous. Clearly, he had no idea I was coming. But he invited me in and he seemed pleasantly surprised to see me. He also seemed to know what I was going to say.

I introduced myself and thanked him for allowing me into his home and explained that my Spanish is terrible, but I'd try to tell him what was going on. I told him that I was there because I believe his son has great promise as a student. His test scores are above many of the others in class and because of that, he should move up to a more advanced class. But he needs to complete the classwork if he is to do that. Since he doesn't do the work, his grades are very low. I explained the issues that I've noticed: the constant talking, the sluggishness, the defiance, and even a bit of harassment. I told him that I wish to make a plan with the student to work on his improvement.

During this conversation, a young woman and a boy of about 3 or 4 were walking around the apartment. After the conversation, my student walked in and took a silent seat on the sofa. He stared blankly at the t.v. set and ignored my greetings. A slightly older boy followed him, along with a girl of about 9 who held a tiny baby. Then, an older woman walked in, the student's mother, to whom I later was introduced. I believe that all of them live in this apartment, which looked to have maybe two small bedrooms.

I attempted to explain everything again with everyone in the room and emphasized that I cared about his academic performance but that his behavior has to change in order for there to be improvement in his studies. The child refused to speak. He refused to look at me. Everyone in the room was staring at him and telling him to say something. He wouldn't. Even his older brother began translating some words for me and remarked, "This is the first time we've had a teacher come over to our house." Everyone seemed to be impressed except for my student.

So, I simply said, "Okay, I tried. Thanks for your time. It was a pleasure to meet you all." The parents then provided me with their cell phone numbers and told me to call them if I ever had any more problems. It felt good to talk with the parents, see the family in their element and get to understand the child a little more. I felt like we were on the same side and we were working together.

Even though I didn't accomplish all that I had set out to do, I believe I did a lot of good my simply showing up. I made a good impression on the family . . . and maybe on the student. All in all, it was a positive experience which might eventually show results.

"Dangerous Minds"

Last night, a good friend and I had a marathon movie night about inspiring teachers. We watched "Lean on Me" starring Morgan Freeman (1989) and "Dangerous Minds" starring Michelle Pfeiffer (1995). I had seen both flicks before, back when they were new releases, and I remember them inspiring me to be teacher. Seeing them again -- from a different perspective, with greater experience and connection -- was still inspirational, but it was also a disappointment. I understand the reality now and it's not as pretty as it is in the movies.

Both of the movies that we watched feature a hero or heroine who is a crazy, rule-breaking teacher that inspires and reaches crazy, rule-breaking (inner-city, black) teenagers (note: classism, racism). Both are melodramatic and make inner-city schools look worse than they really are (infested with drugs, guns and assholes). And both plots turn around so quickly it makes your head spin. Within 30 minutes a hellish school/classroom loaded with punks becomes a beautiful place of blossoming, well-behaved young minds. Hmmm, something smells here... could it be... crap?

But, I did connect with the Michelle Pfieffer character when she was struggling with her class of apathetic, distracted, obnoxious teenagers. The evening after her first day she said, "I'm going to get those bastards." I usually say that too, when I'm in a positive mood. And, in the movie, after the students left the class after a failed lesson, and made snide comments on the way out, she remarked, "Fuckers." I can really identify with that because I call my kids my "little fuckers" all the time... not to their face, but, you know... "Elfs" for short. Anyway, these little snippets of true classroom reality were refreshing, and were just what the doctor ordered.

I also identify with her character because she makes a visit to the house of a student who was suspended for fighting. Tonight, I made my first home visit. And I will give you all the details in my next post.

I understand that it would make better cinemagic if my students suddenly scored in the top 10% of their class and ended each class by holding hands and singing "Cumbaya," but we all know it doesn't work that way. In fact, I don't think I'm going to reach these kids this year at all. But, I feel good anyway. Hollywood has allowed me to step back and regain perspective.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Over the last month or so, I've been searching for and considering ways to revamp my curriculum so that my students 1) care, 2) do the work and 3) succeed at it. It took me a long time to analyze the situation and critique the strengths and needs, as well as the culture, of my students. I know that my students work relatively well in groups (when they don't want to kill each other). I know that my students are excellent speakers and pretty good listeners. I know that my students work well with hands-on activities and projects. I know that my students need to work on their reading fluency, comprehension, writing and vocabulary. I also know that, for the most part, at least when it comes to content matter stuff, they don't really want to hear what I have to say-- the students are followers and creators of a culture of resistance. It is this aspect of their personalities that is starving them of a decent education. Because they don't want to listen to me, they are going to have to learn the content in a non-teacher-centered way.

What I propose is a classroom environment that is student-centered, promotes group interaction and group learning. Learning Centers. This environment will allow my students to move around a little more and work with a greater variety of media. The pace will move faster and will require that students stay on task in order to get their work done. Unfortunately, it will also require thorough understanding and practice for the students to get to the stage where they can do this. The practice and understanding will need to be teacher-centered. And this is the part that I'm not looking forward to.

I'm still trying to figure out how to teach learning centers to my students. If I talk about it, they won't understand. I will have to show them a video about them or pictures at the very least. I will also have to explicitly teach students what they will be doing in each center before they can do it on their own. They will have to practice in groups.

I'm going to be researching how to implement this in my classroom, but at least I have an idea that just might work.

Doh!

For Halloween, my students got a nice surprise, and it wasn't just me in a Don King wig. They got to take a test.

Star testing determines a student's independent reading level and their zone of proximal development-- a fancy term for the level at which they can do well with help from the teacher. I wasn't aware that this test existed or that my students had to take it, but they were called into the library in groups to take the test on the computer.

I got my own little surprise too. The results. Although, I really shouldn't have been. Looking back on it, I feel dumb for not realizing it earlier. It was one of those things where I knew my students were falling behind, but I didn't know exactly how far. With the assessments I gave them, I couldn't determine their exact reading and comprehension level. I still wonder why no one told me about the test (or the results I would receive) sooner. I mean, we are only ten weeks into the school year. Perhaps knowing this information could have saved me many headaches and probably could have saved my students from failure. I guess that's the way this school year has been going for me so far-- it's sort of a slow discovery process and a do-it-yourself project combined.

The reality is that the average student in my sheltered classes reads at a third grade level. The range, however, runs from first grade to fifth grade levels. I don't believe this has anything to do with their intelligence, but it has more to do with the fact that they are English language learners. Reading will be a continous struggle for them.

But, now I have a better understanding of what the term "far below basic" means. And I'm in the process of figuring out how to teach an eighth grade curriculum in terms that a third grader can understand.

The gravity and difficulty of the situation for me is heartbreaking. I'm really starting to wonder if I was cut out for this kind of a job. I mean, I think I can teach, but I don't think I'm good at teaching this kind of a class. I have no idea where these kids are coming from. I don't understand how they think. All I know is that they are frustrated and apathetic. And mean. I'm afraid that if I don't figure this stuff out quickly, I'm going to become that way too.

Mis estudiantes, to date:

-- Daily detention
-- Daily phone calls home for atleast 10 students at a time
-- 50% failing rate
-- several informal requests to be transferred out of my class (by asking me)
-- three formal requests to be transferred out of my class (by asking the school counselor)
-- zero requests granted
-- three O.T.s (opportunity transfers-- transferring a "problem" to another school to help them behave themselves for a short while before they are sent back to the original school. Merely a band-aid solution on a gaping wound sort of issue).
-- two new kids
-- one rumor of pregnancy
-- one fist fight in class (between a boy and a girl)
-- several swear words (my knowledge of Spanish curse words is expanding)
-- eighteen parent conferences (three of them for students who are doing well)
-- one home visit coming up this weekend (my first)
-- three referrals to the dean
-- 3 students out of 85 are getting an A

And people wonder why teachers tend to concentrate on the negative things and not consider the positive things. Truthfully, I would love to concentrate on the positive things if I had more to go on. Sincerely, the only positive thing for most kids is that they show up every day. But, then again, their presence ruins the educational opportunity for others. So, what am I to do?

Oh, Yeah? Your Mom!

It was no follow-up to the yo mama jokes. This time it was for real.

One of my students-- a total clown, the type of clown that purposely walks into walls and makes inane comments for attention-- decided to continue to not follow along with class rules and chose to continue to talk to the people around him during the lesson and during a test. He bugs people. He gets detention. He's been sent out of class. But, I spoke with his mom on Friday and today... well, she came in to class to sit with him.

I asked her to come in to monitor the Class Clown so that he could behave. Clearly, if he doesn't know how to behave in a classroom and he needs a baby-sitter, then his mom can come in and watch him. So, that's what she did.

Perhaps the Class Clown did not intend for this kind of a joke, but the rest of the class couldn't contain their laughter. Even I had a hard time holding it in (luckily, however, I did). And he was able to get through the entire two hours without saying a word. Moreover, he did his work! In fact, he finished a test in one hour-- the same test that has taken several other students two or more hours to finish.

Hmmm... Makes me wonder why I tell my students that they are not being timed on this test.... They tend to take longer and put it off rather than just getting it over with...

Now, I'm not a fan of public humiliation, especially when it involves a tender-aged person with low self-esteem. However, it came to this. I've tried every other legitimate avenue to help this child get a hold of himself. I've used the usual teacher tricks to help kids help themselves: isolation, sending them out of class, giving them detention, standing next to them, having a chat to explain the logic of the situation. None of that worked with this one. So, I brought out his mom.

And she was lovely. She sat with him in the front of the class where everyone could see. She got him working on the exam and then didn't have to say a word. It was beautiful.

If Class Clown ever tries to tell a joke in my class again, all I have to say in response is, "Your mom," and he'll lose his ground.

Whether or not I will gain ground with the class control by such a response is another story, but it's worth a shot.

You Can't Always Get What You Want...

Despite the fact that my first, second, third and fourth periods were disasterous today, my sixth period is coming along well. They are responsive, productive, participatory and good-natured kids. It's always nice to end the day on a high note.

It's All a Disillusion

Tonight I went to my third meeting for my masters program after a full day at school and impromptu parent conferences (in Spanish). It's been a long day, but talking to other first year teachers in my cohort has been extremely helpful. We swap horror stories and funny stories and remind each other that we aren't alone.

We actually had a great discussion today about caring and how, as teachers, we have to not only be caring to our students, but we also have to teach them to care. We have to model caring, talk about it, practice it and reaffirm their efforts at caring. What connected with my experience the most was that we have to continue to care whether or not our students learn how to care; that is, whether or not they reciprocate. In other words, even though we give our positive energy to them, it doesn't mean we will receive it back from them. In many cases, teachers don't receive any positive energy in return and, because of this, they get burned out.

I wonder if this lack of reciprocity is what caused my show of anger in the classroom last week. Perhaps, though, it could also be caused by my passion about teaching and the kids. Either way, I have resolved to never "yell" at my students again. Negativity can only breed negativity and my kids really don't need any more of that in their lives. Instead, I will do my best to "kill them with kindness," present choices for them, and express disappointment at their misbehavior.

Tonight I also had a chance to speak with my advisor, a former teacher and administrator, and a current doctoral student. He told me about a research paper his friend published about the timeline of emotional stages for first year teachers. It looks like an inverted parabola on a yearly-calendar chart. It starts with anticipation in the first month, then dips down into survival for the second month. From there, it dips down into disillusionment, where it plateaus for about three straight months. After that, it rises up to a stage of rejuvenation and then finally up again a little more to reflection. It's interesting to look at my own experience, chronicled in this blog, and realize that I have gone through the anticipation stage and that I am in the middle of survival mode. So, basically, what I can gather from all of this is that I am about to enter three months of disillusionment.

Yey.

Meanwhile, today in first period, I called the dean to personally escort one of my students out of class that was tagging his crew name on my hardwood floor.

And in sixth period, I tried a new technique on my students to get them to "shut the front door:" I used my timer to add on the seconds that students were talking during the lesson, for which I would hold the entire class after the bell. My timer makes beeping noises for every second added. It's loud and annoying: your typical digital kitchen timer. The students were more than aware of each second I put on the clock and most of them quickly got the hint. Others, however, still took their sweet time to shut it, and so, the whole class ended up shouting at them, "Shuuuut uuuuuuuuup!" Beep. . . Beep. . . Beep. . .

Three of the boys, who love to hear their voices, were driven completely up the wall so much so that they started yelling, "She can't do this! I'm just going to start cursing!" Beep. . . Beep. . . Instead of making me upset, their interruptions made me laugh. I was laughing pretty hard. And my students started laughing too and yelling at each other. I almost starting crying I was laughing so hard. Beep. . . Beep. . . I started doing a little jig to the rhythm of the beeping and giggling at the whole scene. And the kids were cracking up and yelling at each other. Beep. . . Then, Juan cried out, "What the fuck is this shit?" And this prompted the cursing of two other kids. Of course, I had to throw them out of class, and in doing so, added more time to the class detention. The class ended up with over six minutes of detention, added on second by second.

After the three knuckleheads left, the class went very smoothly. And I sent the boys to a classroom that ensured that they would get hell for their behavior and have to wait in absolute boredom for the remainder of the hour. Hopefully they will have their little mouths closed during class tomorrow.

TGIF

I didn't wake up with a feeling of dread. I came to school with an upbeat manner. My students seemed to be in good spirits. Everyone seems to be glad that today is Friday and the week is over.

The class that gave me hell yesterday turned it around today. They were actually quiet for once. Like perfectly silent. It was almost eerie, but we were able to finally get some work done. I gave props the students that worked yesterday and got them through the lesson.

But, I still get complaints that the class is boring. I am going to see what I can do to change it this weekend. It's actually more of a continual quest, but I can't change the subject matter. It's 8th grade English. And if you don't like to read or write, you are kind of s.o.l.

We ended the day on a high note: a school assembly. We celebrated our small learning community; people gave short speeches; we advocated college preparation; girls performed a dance and a movie played that featured the teachers and students of our SLC. When my picture came up in the film, students actually cheered. I was preparing myself to hear groans or booing. But, they actually screamed for me, so that was my high for the day. Maybe they don't hate me after all.